Total Recall Part 1

Sat, 29 May 2004 12:20:29 GMT

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Sadly, the last day of NCOTC was nowhere as good as the first or even the second day. The programme was more lax, maybe that was why the NCOs started to cut themselves a quiet slice of slacktime, although im not blaming the coordinators. But is it necessary for the discipline to constantly be enforced proper etiquette ( if you would ) / discipline ? On the whole, NCOTC was fine, but the third day wasn't good. . .thanks to inclement weather and all. Maybe we didn't really improve that much . . maybe we were tired? I don't know. . .

posted at 3:11 PM by Kenneth

Thursday, November 27, 2003

This is the second day of NCOTC so far. . . my calfs feel like they're gonna split open . Brandon's shoulder muscles tore , hope he recovers soon. My calf muscles might have torn too if i carried on banging as forcefully as i did yesterday, during two drill sessions [ 2+ hours each ] . This is the first NPCC camp i've been to when we don't get scolded most of the time. For one thing, i know the instructors are trying hard not to make this a tekan camp. For another, in being NCOs, some of our problem squadmates have changed for the better. Although not quite where they're supposed to be at, they're on the right track . . .save a select few [or maybe just one person ] ,who i shan't name. Come on sec 4s-to-be, we can be good NCOs , i know it. . .

From a bunch of kids to NCOs. We were potentially the worst bunch of NCOs. Yes, we did screw up, but we're improving. Its all about attitude, and now almost everyone has that in them. I don't care what others say, we're trying,thats all i have to know. . . .thats all i have to know. Yeo, aravin, jin jie, alex , jonathan phang, andre, franklin, alvin . . . they had their problems, as did the rest of the squad, but now they're getting so much better. Just like this i named almost half my squad who had some form of attitude-related problems, almost all of whom [ if not all ] have entirely changed. Can YOU transform a bunch of kids into NCOs in 3 months? We're all trying, thats all i have to know.

On a side note, after yesterday's session with Alger,i am so sure he is the embodiment of the squad's fear. =\

posted at 6:53 PM by Kenneth

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

The september 11th event felt like it just happened months ago, although it has already been over 2 years. After the US moved into Iraq, everyone had anticipated exacerbation of unrest in the country. But i was most aghast when i read in the papers that iraqi policemen who worked for the US were now main targets of iraqi guerrila . Whassup with that . . it is understandable, although not making it right, that the iraqi guerillas are hostile towards the US forces given this persistent scar in relations history, specifically, the gulf war which had carelessly murdered hundreds of thousands of innocent people. But to kill your own countrymen who are are tired of the pandemonium, the rampant looting and endless murders . . . that is so bastardized, just because they failed to intimidate the coalition forces. I can't help but feel these security enforcers are but victims of the guerillas' pent-up anger, murder victims. Maybe im taking my opinions too far, is Saddam worth all this? Yeah go on and tell me hes a hot-blooded dictator who has two sons whose names are etched onto the satan's wishlist in blood. I could name you 10 others elsewhere.

I'd very much like to ask,if i could,what happened to all the WMD? First the bush administration comes waltzing in with blueprints and evidence that saddam has WMD, then once they've occupied Baghdad, alluva sudden we get all the articles about Saddam's sons, the hardship of the iraqis, that dystopic desert, in which water costs more than oil itself, and NOTHING about the WMD. Its ridiculous, its as if the entire focus of the war had metamorphosed to an ennobled cause - - -the liberation of the Iraqis. When the soldiers of Britain and USA lent their arms, their ultimate goal was to eviscerate Iraq's lethal empire, which has in its possession 'countless' biochemical arms and nuclear warheads. And now, we've sent soldiers in just liberate Iraq and set up a democratic government ? I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but i can safely say this is merely the beginning of the end. What bush has done is merely replacing iraq's problems with more problems. The atrocities are now occuring on an even wider scale. Surely bush should have thought of something more than just French cowardice and asian indecisiveness when they refused to join the coalition? Surely there must've been a strong cause, enough for men,women and children around the world to demonstrate in unison, that there should be no war.

I might be pigeon-holing US's 'chivalric' efforts,if it can even be called 'chivalric' at all . . . but im sure there must have been another solution apart from war. I have my own speculations to why war was chosen but they are just assumptions after all. And now what with Malaysia's million ringitt summons . . . whassup with that . . hai whats with the woooorrlllld....

posted at 11:02 PM by Kenneth

Saturday, November 22, 2003

I'd rather freeze to death than to burn. But Sub-zero bites not as coldly as desolation. Desolation is emptiness, a stain left behind by men who scatter and disperse under turbulent skies, and leave the echoes of the stampede hanging in the ponderous silence, forgetting that one person helplessly fighting to survive. Desolation, is alienation from what you have integrated yourself into, like a limp being severed from a torso, except without the bloody mess, but many times the excruciation. Desolation, is what many have experienced,but forgotten what it felt like. Desolation . . . is my dominant companion now.

Revamp of training syllabus. You 6 men had given your word, to bear the weight through the seamless stretch of 20 nights, but only 5 had been there from the start. Then, 1 left. You have been disabled, and so we carried you upon our shoulders as well. Then 13 nights later, most of you left. I sent you my letters, but you never replied. I called you, you gave me promises but never delivered. I tried to meet you, you never turned up. Soon he got better, and i thought things would get easier. For someone who had failed to present himself when he was needed, his actions finally showed some form of repentance. Once more you gave me your word, but again you swallowed them. So i took the liberty, to call you both again, and i could never get through. I'm a fair person, had you any problems, you would have stated them in the numerous times i have so discreetly asked. Where are all of you? You have DESERTED me, do you even understand what that word is at all? That vile essence of unforgivable irresponsibility? My nightmares are coming back, make them go away. Where are you all? WHERE?! WHERE?!

Hell hath no fury like Alger Lu . . .

posted at 8:37 PM by Kenneth

Monday, November 17, 2003

"There is not point in pretence against pretence, like a mirror against another."

KenTan 7:13

posted at 9:20 PM by Kenneth

Today i got momentarily infuriated, thrice. Anger Day . . hmmm

posted at 9:11 PM by Kenneth

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Well after months of procrastination i've finally finished Brave New World. An insightful book, fresh and original. Sometimes i wonder how such authors hypothesize. Its speculative fiction, and i must say our world today is becoming more alike to th futuristic dystopia portrayed in the book, albeit i can name quite a number of predictions gone wrong. No matter, the book left me wanting more. . . more satire. Sigh. Sometimes i find myself so cynical, perhaps too cynical. Sometimes i feel as though, yes, the world deserves such cynicism, and yet at other times it just feels so . . . wrong . . . incomplete to do so , as if lacking something else to complement it. Well anyway i bought another book just yesterday, titled "The Monk". Another satirical theme again . . . this time targetted at holy men, or rather in this case, a 'holy' man who commits heinous acts and indulges in his carnal desires under the veneer of an abbot. I know religion is the epitome of many people's strengths, religion has saved them from ruin, religion has done so much but i can't help it, i just sense a flaw . . perhaps because people believe so much in it, faith can be abused? I dunno . . . my thoughts are somewhat chaotic right now,can't seem to sift through them .

posted at 6:00 PM by Kenneth

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

If only we never needed the sun . . .

posted at 7:48 PM by Kenneth

Saturday, November 01, 2003

The devil had my eyes, it whispers in my ears , i love the way anger consumes me, i liked the way it invaded my consciousness. My malice, ever bloody and violent. An excuse, petty and discordant. Mutter wearily, you've given up, nothing will save you from my fury. A lie it was, a cable to channel fear and malovalence , from me . . . to you. As you crumble, i feed, your soul's waning, your heart bleeds. I'm a puppet, don't you know? A marionette, the strings that murdered me. A gentle shimmer sealed beyond yesteryear, now shadowed and consumed by a ravenous heart. T'was never my wish to have everything wither away, see the ropes fray. . . i'm blinded, i'm giving in, god i can't think of you, even if i want , and only in atonement , i'll actually see you come. . i'm lost for 2 years

Tainted are my hands. The world heals but my head reels. Ahhh . . . whos this beauty i see? Pure and impeccably innocent.
It stirs from its slumber, its adorably chubby cheeks still present. And i foresaw a buxom actress, smooth tresses and a winning smile. I am rejoicing, to witness a yonder epiphany. Love heralds it, anger has lost its place. I am renewed, don't you know? I am purged . . . purged of this filth that has blinded me with a bloodlust. And still i am no angel, i'm still human. But beware, though evil locks itself away behind the crimson curtains, you can never tell when the velvet is ensanguined. Don't tempt the demon with blood, smack your lips and relish the moments of seraphic radiance.

posted at 11:05 PM by Kenneth

Friday, October 31, 2003

you all know the normal procedures la. change the answers. tedious, i know. but pretty please? =D

1. Full name: Tan Jun Hua, Kenneth
2. Nicknames: I don't have any
3. Eyes: dark brown
4. Height: 1.65m
5. Hair: Black
6. Siblings: 2
7. Do u like to sing in the shower?: no
8. Do u like to sing in the toilet?: no
9. Birthday: 17th May
10.Sign: Taurus
11. Address: - n / a -
12. Sex/Sexuality: Male
13.Righty or lefty: right brained
14. What do you want in a relationship most?: communication
15. Have you ever cheated on someone: Who hasn't?
16. Martial status: solitary
17. Do you have a car?: Nope
18. What kinda car do you have/want?: Black BMW/Merc
FAVORITE QUESTIONS:
19. Movie: Minority Report, The Matrix, Forest Gump
20. Song: The Outsider
23. Actor: none
24 Actress: none
25. Food: Potato Salad, Hot Plate Toufu, Claypot Chicken Rice
26. Number: 1
27. Cartoon: Helsing, Jin-roh
28. Disney : none that i fancy actually . .
29. Colour: Black, White, teal
30. Do you plan on having children: well yeah, i love kids
31. Do you want to get married: that'll depend on whats left of society in the future
32. How old do u wanna be when you have your first child: *shrug*
33. How old do u wanna be when your married: *shrug*
34. Would you have kids before marriage: . . . no ?
35. Do you have a b/f or g/f: no
37. Do you have a crush: no
38. Music/TV: Music
39. Guys/Girls: It doesn't matter [ im not a bi...please ]
40. Green/Blue: none
41. Pink/Purple: none
42. Summer/Winter: I'd love both
43. Night/Day: Night
46. weird saying I have: Who needs sayings? har har
47. what skool do u go to? sji
48. have you ever taken drugs?: yes
49. What's a major turn on for you?: im not telling you
50. How far would you go on a first date?: it depends on how well it goes but i have my limitations..

51. The PERSON you know who is:
Funniest: Dominic
Happiest: not too sure
Strangest: none that i know of
Most Caring: subjective question
TALLest: Saravanna
Smartest: I don't know, depends on which aspect
52. Best All Around Person: keat loon? yang wei? salman? but not anyone whom im in very close contact with
53. what do you think of soul mates?: very very rare
54. is it right to flirt if you have a bf/gf?: not really
55.what was the last thing you cried over or got teary about?: someone's death
56. what's something about guys & girls you don't get?: punk life
57. are you happy? content, not happy
60. Love or lust: love
61. Silver or gold: silver
62. Diamond or pearl: diamond.
63. Sunset or sunrise: sunrise
64. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping (to swim in the nude): no way,never will
65. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: not anymore [ i used to have..doramon when i was 3/4 ]
66. Do you have any piercings?: no
67. What colour underpants are you wearing?: you're not interested, really
68. What song are you listening to right now?: if a music track counts, its "Connected" by PvD
69. What are the last four digits of your phone number? 0635
70. Where would you want to go on your honeymoon?: Prague/Paris/Britain
71. Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with?: I don't know yet
72. What's your favourite sport?: canoeing
74. What makes you happy?: people
75. What's the next cd/s you're gonna get/buy?: Game --> Legacy of Kain : Defiance
76. Do u wear contacts or glasses?: glasses, although not always
77. What's the best advice given to you?: The question is : What are you going to do about it?
78. Have you ever won any special awards?: yes
79. What are your future goals?: overseas uni, corporate advisory
80. Worst sickness u ever had?: mumps
81. Do you like Funny or scary movies better?: funny
82. On the phone or in person?: in person
83. Hugs or Kisses?: both
84. What song seems to reflect you the most?: Giving in - Adema
85. If you die tmr who wud u leave everything u own to?: I don't think i'd be able to have enough time to pass anything valuable onto anyone
86. Do u have any enemies?: none that i know of
87. What is your greatest fear?: being disabled
88. Would you rather be rich or famous? : rich , definitely
89. What time is it in Albania now?: - n / a -
90. Have you ever been in love?: doubt it
91. Have you met santa?: yeah a wannabe santa...
92. If E.T. knocked on your door holding up a peace sign asking to use your phone?: i'd pass it the phone,then
93. when was the last time you talked to the person that you like: never
94. Do u have any pets?: not anymore
97. Are you an alcoholic?: no
98. Who sent this to you?: a few people
99.What do you think of this person:
100. Do u want your friends to write back?:

posted at 6:52 PM by Kenneth

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Absolutely ugly, graceless and throwing such bestial derisions . . . its a white sky, white clouds, fog and everything overly lit. Everything bathed in the sun's rays had lost its dynamic hues, bleached and somewhat lifeless. Just another one of those days that feeds my restlessness. Im feeling like a tight string, very taut and tense .

I could go on typing for 2 hours about my OC. His policies and implementations are entirely stupid. So theres O levels going on, and he wants training every week during O levels [ who'da thunk it ] , 8 am to 3pm at MALCOLM PARK. First of all, is it even necessary to push for training during november holidays especially since O levels are taking place? Actually, im happy its an Malcolm Park, that'll take care of the monotonous tone of training, at least for now. But 8am to 3pm? Thats ridiculous, trying to drag training through lunchtime. His rationale for training was "We must train them lah, cannot don't train them what" . Organizing training for the sake of training, without the training . . . i see thats intellectually profound, an excellent example of ingenuity, i must confess im sure my other NCOs would concur. Why do i say without the training? If it was in his intentions to condition them in terms of discipline and drills, he must be daft to have set it at Malcolm Park. Are we to embarrass ourselves in front of the public then for HIS SAKE?

Forget it. Now what needs to be done is to make preparations for potential problems. Our first concern : What to do there. Second concern : How do we settle lunch. Third concern : Where to train.

posted at 12:38 PM by Kenneth

Friday, October 24, 2003

English : 68 ( . . . . . )
Chemistry : 70
Bio : 70
E Maths : 82
A Maths : 88
2158 : 67 ( ON THE WAY BABY )
Physics : 85
Combined Humanities : 74 ( doh )
Chinese : 51

Comments : For English, its abit disappointing, mainly the comprehension. I don't get it, the teachers go through the answers with us the day after results are released, but i can't add marks after discovering wrong markings. I missed my A cos of that what the hell. But its alright, theres still time. Chemistry, my theory paper was fine but my titration results during practical was....way below what was supposed to be the correct reading [ this is ridiculous, under-titration? being too careful is bad? ] , so i failed damn badly for pract ,and since its 20%. . . a catastrophe of biblical proportions tsk tsk. Ok overall for maths i'm content even through i totally misunderstood a 10 mark locus question in e maths , but at least not as many blunders as i made before. I'm especially pleased with 2158. Its a marked improvement, and i think i'm getting the hang of it [ finally :p ] , and i got a good essay in my papers which will serve as a model for future 2158 essays,so i can check back and forth for what im missing out for my other essays. For bio, well i should say it was OK. . . i think there still lots of room for improvement. . .they say never to burn your bridges so i won't attempt to estimate how far the limit stretches. Combined Humanities, i think the teachers' comments for lit were very useful, so thats my learning point. I've really got nothing to say for Chinese, i simply...don't get it. I just blanked during paper 1,forgot tay's comments on my previous essays.

As pre-empted, i'm not too hyped up about the 7 points, i'm almost there. I'll take it slowly . . .

go for broke.

posted at 8:05 PM by Kenneth

Thursday, October 23, 2003

posted at 7:27 PM by Kenneth

I'd never be content to live 'just like that' , like any other ordinary person. He hunts for a successful career, gets a wife, has children,and pass on. His relatives hail him to be an 'easy-going' man, entirely ingratiable and forgiving of all calamities. But how does one measure how 'great' a person is? By the ways he deals with situations? Sure, it may look good, but underneath that hassle and tenacity against adversities, could actually be stupidity/impulse/fatalism . What i really mean is, how do you judge and measure a person's actions, on the issue of being 'great', by such an isolated analysis? Theres a time when you thought McDonald's was great, but when you tried the steak at Shashlik, what becomes of McDonald's? Mediocrity. Never pass a verdict without enough exposure. Is it 'good' enough just to live like that? . Not that I'm scorning at people who are content with such a life, but its akin to the cloying use of melo-dramatic scenes in Channel U serials that sorts of sickens me . . . painfully forced to watch an overly cliche drama play over and over again. I'll take any opportunities, to get away from just 'another life'. A compromise of principles in the process, is not opportunity, however, but rather desperation . Do not mistake me , these people i see here are not cattle, simply beings who find interest in [ or simply can't ] living a stable life which provides for them the basal requisition : contentment and people who live similarly, ones who can share richly with each other, a place where they can seek solace and yet solidarity at the same time. But no life is richer than one which ventures outwards. When one puts his foot to rest, its rapturous laziness and quite pneumatic in a sense. Yet i feel so much better running for an hour every 3 days, full of energy, vibrance and life. There is vigor, and no mundane soliloquy.

posted at 7:26 PM by Kenneth

Sunday, October 19, 2003

After the English and SS papers review, i have absolutely no idea [ not even the foggiest ] of how i'm going to do for the exams. Just yesterday had a 3+ hour long meeting with Alger and the other CIs. For a long time, i never thought we'd be able to break away from the monotony of NPCC workplan for the past 3 years. And finally there was prospect for change.
"Kenneth, i need you to look through the syllabi, and see what you can slash out, then at the same time try to slot in new things like .17 air rifle or archery. THings like that. What you do makes or breaks NPCC, and determines whether the cadets enjoy NPCC or not." . It was a colossal weight on my shoulders, but i felt, thats what NPCC should be. This isn't the police academy, we're not tasked with taking down criminals or eradicating major syndicates. no, what are we? Simply students who're given opportunities outside. Although much of its activities pertain to regimentation, thats exactly what we need to reduce. I for one,have never loved the regimental side of NPCC. Maybe, maybe this time i could change NPCC abit, make them love it abit more, yet not compromising discipline at the right moments, simultaneously not enforcing it when time does not opportune for its presence.

posted at 7:49 PM by Kenneth

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

What's left of the exams : E maths paper 2. But somehow im not in too much of a celebratory mood . . as if an ominous air hung about me. Somehow things that i dreamt about, hardly come true. Stupidly, i stopped dreaming. I realized the only thing that could truely satisfy me, was being good at what i did. So "what had i fought for" . . .? How much closer would celebrations bring me to wholistic contentment? All im asking for, is peaceful rest.

For the past one week or so, i've been having nightmares after nightmare, although never remembering vividly, i've hardly felt good at all waking up, like something's happened in the real world and i was just a puppet player about to find out.

posted at 6:11 PM by Kenneth

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

And all of a sudden, i feel so ****ed up. I have no idea why . . . simply feeling weak and powerless.

but im feeling better. Down over at Ronald's blog, some royal arse has set himself upon a nice pin cuishion, and i'm having lots of fun toying with the poor sod . . . could never deny the malovalent figure gracelessly overshadowing myself. tsk tsk and i won't pity him when he cries tonight.

posted at 9:38 PM by Kenneth

Sunday, October 12, 2003

A looong time ago, i used to have a misconception about christian long. Thought he was a pretentious @($*()#!@ . Well i was wrong, after being around with him for some time. I'm glad i always give myself and the other person a chance . . well i would never have to if i didn't think of him as such. . .

Soon... i'll be making a rendezvous with myself. I've lost touch with myself for a long time, seldom had time to sit down and think for awhile for the 'lesser' issues , or any with pertinence to my life, or those around me. Too much time has been taken up by studies, CCA, prefectorial board and their like. Before NPCC starts again [ sigh , never had a free saturday, or at least could never remember any ], i need to sit around with my pals and chill for awhile.

posted at 8:53 PM by Kenneth

A pity i've nary the time to indulge in my petty vices . . . perhaps i will after all my papers

Also. . . . .

Paul Van Dyk's new CD will be out by the end of October. OUT !!!! After sampling here and there, i've come to the conclusive judgement that it is AAAAA+++++++ grade . Gotta get it.

posted at 6:20 PM by Kenneth

And now i see God in a way many can't see him to be, and i wonder whos the fool . . . me or them ?

If God created the world, logic was of peripheral importance, apart from his greater handiworks. So then, is logic even compatiable with religion? Doubtfully.

Since God made the world as it is, men as they are, wise and daft, is it fair to have the bible written with its conotations figuratively? Perhaps it is then that we need the pastors, the bishops to guide us. But they are only man, and man errs, and man falters, and man is the greatest detriment to all of divinal entities and lore. And so we have left the fools to fade away while we've believed all this while that we're on the right path. But who shall say who is and whos not, for God has never given us the answer. Can you blame one who scorns a 'holy man' in disdain? I definitely wouldn't.

And yet, the only means to prove God's existence, is to connect yourself with . . . . unquestioned faith. But how do you build up faith? But simply having miracles coincide with prayers? How do you bReAk a faith? When God fails you on a prayer. And our consolation? "God works in mysterious ways". It is strange that while some blame those who suffer difficulties and insuperable obstacles for their sins, those who have it easier apathetically look on upon the damnation passed over them by. . . bingo.... humans. Divorced parents, childhood abuse and all alone. Robbery and jailed. Compare that to a rich wannabe-punk kid out in the street who did likewise. And what do we say to both of them ? "Its all in the mind. Its all a matter of willpower." But is it? Then is it to say we have to negate our very primal instincts, reflexes and needs? To judge one by such a pretext is egregious injustice. Although one is not totally free from blame, such a criteria utterly rubbish to me. True to the fact that people may overcome the temptations, it is an exception, not a trend. . .but man was not borned with fortitude and resilience. . . it is nurtured. Where there isn't anyone to do that for the poor soul, how then can so harshly damn him/her. I always like to ask : Are we to define the norms by exceptions? I for one wouldn't . . because it is a fallacy in itself. Sometimes i wish us people would stop thinking we know everything about religion and its really up to us to set a definitive right/wrong. Perhaps in many cases we can do so, but not all. If we do, are we not playing God?

posted at 10:15 AM by Kenneth

Saturday, October 11, 2003

Finished everything except chinese. I've always had this. . . issue with chinese. I get very drained after chinese lessons and i always forget what i try to learn. The chinese characters strung together dont even look like a language to me. Perhaps if i'd like to be generous i'd term it "Pictorial memory", but then whats the point? Im a chinese-schizophrenic i think. Its not like i didn't try, i just have a very shaky foundation. While i finish 6 bio chapters in 1 and a half hours, i wonder why i take more than 1 hour for one chinese dan yuan......

posted at 11:11 PM by Kenneth

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Today's emaths paper 1 was, well, should i say quite a breeze for almost the whole class [ if not the entire class ]. I'm not expecting to lose more than 3 marks but damned if i do. Physics was pretty alright except one careless mistake... not major but can't get over it..it seemed the most irrefutable example of the 'Most Stupid Mistake'

Tomorrow's what I've spent 3/5 of all my studying time in the course of the past 3 weeks for --- 2158. Come on kenneth.... you'll live to fight another day, dont die on this one . [ why do i always relate challenges to wars...? maybe then it ennobles the fight ...hmm..but i love the feeling anyway..fighting to stay alive ]

Can't screw up, won't screw up, musn't screw up... MUSN'T! DAMMIT YOU BLOODY NIMWITTED HALF DAISY-POPPING CANTON FRAGGING LITTLE PRICK . . . . . . (-_-)

posted at 5:31 PM by Kenneth

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

And here i go

posted at 5:39 PM by Kenneth

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

The status so far ---

Compre - Lost 5 marks
Critical Thinking - Lost 4 marks =\

mmm...A1 still in reach? i MUST get my 6, if not 7 *gritting teeth* It doesn't matter if i blind myself right now, even if i have do it intentionally.... it must be done, and since its a controlled compulsion [ oxymoron ] i will have no problems getting it over with after my papers.But till the exams are over...i MUST get my points.

And i understand this is my drive, ever-furious and tenacious. . . .

posted at 9:23 PM by Kenneth

Monday, October 06, 2003

Occasional Nothings

Have you ever felt so alone, that emptiness clung onto you like a second skin, so relentless in yielding? Ever braved the war of silence, where there is none to speak a word, but each gaze from the jet-black wells of crows exude a quaint aura so abhorred, yet you mask it behind a crescent frown? I have. Or was it simply myself sitting behind a screen with hues of the nuances of grey? That seemed the only thing rational...logical...real. And yet it is hard to deny the dissociation with the world when there is no face to scrutinize, and then to laugh out "aha,so its you" .

A steel behemoth crawls right next to me... and i see a twisted figure reflected off its smooth curvatures... me,except entirely twisted, fat in all the wrong places, thin in the same manner. How brutally my ethereal figure is mutilated and abused by this offensive object known as metal, but aye it is only an image. Its coppery fumes somewhat reminded me of rusted metalworks although it was nowhere near as fetid yet alive as the stench of something more biological.

Steel jaggernauts towered over the tallest hills, the sewage filth clearer than the seas beyond the coasts. And soon i will be lost in this concrete jungle, amidst the chaos of electronic dependance and moral decadence. I felt myself slipping away , into the instrinsic sanctuary which many have so carelessly trivialised...something called.. 'sleep' .

posted at 9:12 PM by Kenneth

Saturday, October 04, 2003

Still alive.

posted at 11:23 AM by Kenneth

Thursday, October 02, 2003

This will be my last present before departing on an odyssey, so if i don't make it back. . . .

We stood, stone-faced over the ridge, looking upon the rolling greenery, a field about to be defiled by the unholiness of war and entrails. And hardened men decked out in greyed armours of steel, shields worn down by the pandemonium of fear, death and destitution. Breathing down hard, as my loud hot breathing heated up my neck, yet drowned amidst many others'. And then the trumpet blew. Banners canversed high, a deep baritone voice, yet somewhat raucous. And the banterous screams of the legion captain betraying the note of fear in his voice.

And my eyes followed through the finest of cavalry who stampeded down the hill, leaving behind them a trail of smoke, dust and their legacy. The red banner's paramount majesty was fast fading, ensanguined by the lifeblood of fallen men from the previous battles. The turbulent skies hung over us, as men as insignificant as silver dots against the strokes of grey and indigo. And suddenly, chivalry and honour immediately tarnished --- no, mutilated, replaced by the revulsion of dismembering of bodies. The overcast sky thundered, as if to mark a great reckoning. Death has taken to the frontlines, and it was our turn to adhere to our appointments with him, at the creak of stumbling flagpoles. And we ran.

Hand held firmly onto the hilts of our runed claymores. It started to pour, the silver streaks beating down against our platemails. The cacophony of the trampling boots left my senses incapacitated, only to be rudely thrown asunder as our contingent crashed into the repulsively unwelcoming shields of our enemies. I could barely draw out my claymore, yet frightful of ineptly decapitating a fellow comrade. In this momentary flood of disorder, the abomination of war greeted me as fresh hot blood painted my face. It was coming, death was coming. Before i knew it, we were dispersed across the battlefields already, as each man being cut down from neck to groin so conspiciously done so, like a lamb butchered at a market.

Soldiers decked in lustrous armor, their deaths heralded by their final baptism of blood. And what was to be of us? A most ungraceful death, devoid of laurels and appreciation, for it was in this day that all men were nothing more than cattle. To be maimed, killed and slaughtered. The fog grew thicker as what surrounded me was not camaraderie pulling us through the horrors of a massacre, but rather, fear that has driven me to an impeccable dance of swordplay, as i blindly and mindlessly spill the indelible fluid over the grass. And what consumed me next could only be traced inside the deep recesses of my memory, as the darkness blinded me. I fell.

I felt a gargantuan weight pressing upon my back as consciouness manifested itself within me again. I picked myself up, trembling. The wind pervaded the fields somehow, as its chill stung me, piercing my armour. And i looked around. To deem such a sight bacchanal would be too kind. What my eyes beheld were open ribs, severed limbs.... reeking of putrid filth. Spears driven down into corpses, shields badly bat

Deep Black

Total Recall Part 1